


And your last words were the only thing you left me

by zalexvibes



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV), Thirteen Reasons Why - Jay Asher
Genre: Boys In Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda chaotic, Last words, Letter, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, half of the characters only mentioned, more or less, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26356381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zalexvibes/pseuds/zalexvibes
Summary: You talk a lot with Jess.Even when you don’t, you do.Your eyes, remember?I see the way you looked at her. You never looked at me that way, you never had a reason for that.You loved her, not me.It was fine for me. It was totally fine.Until it wasn't.
Relationships: Justin Foley/Alex Standall, Justin Foley/Jessica Davis (mentioned)
Kudos: 10





	And your last words were the only thing you left me

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING AS SAID IN THE TAGS  
> THIS INCLUDES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS I GUESS AND SUICIDE!
> 
> if you ever need someone to talk, i am always here:  
> Instagram: patiencefall or on wattpad under the same name.

Dear Justin,

Okay, scratch that. I shouldn't start like that. But let's be honest I don't really know how to start at all.

so, just imagine the perfect beginning for this letter. I tried to start several times and 'dear Justin' is the best I came up with.

It's sad right?  
We spent so much time together the last months and I still don't know how to start a conversation, or even a fucking letter.  
Probably because we never really talked that much. 

I tried to tell myself that you just don't talk that much at all.  
That you are more of a physical person (sounds stupid, I know. Most stupid word ever, couldn't find another one though)  
But maybe you not talking was just about me. Was it? I will apparently never know.

Do you know how many nights I stayed awake to think about you?

The way you talk (not to me, not really, but to other people)   
The way you touched me.  
Your eyes. How they used to say so much more than your words ever could.

You do talk much right? No matter how often I tried to tell myself that you don't. Tried to convince me it wasn't about me.

You talk a lot with Jess.

Even when you don’t, you do.  
Your eyes, remember?  
I see the way you looked at her. You never looked at me that way, you never had a reason for that.

You loved her, not me.

It was fine for me. It was totally fine.  
Until it wasn't.

I knew from the beginning of it, that whatever it was, it wasn't anything at all.

Your touch was nothing special, not just for me. It was just the way you touched a million other people before.

The words you used to whisper in my ear, they weren't especially for me. You just know what to say to make people fall for you.  
Fall in love with you and all these things you do. The things that make people stay up all night, trying to convince themselves that they are something special to you. 

See?  
I said "makes people fall for you". I never admitted it out loud but I fell for you.   
Sorry to tell you, but it's too late to tell me how stupid that is foley. Well, you can hopefully talk to my grave, but that's weird.

We can pretend it was after the first night you stayed over at my place - the night of our first kiss in case you forgot.   
but I was already madly in love with you the first time I saw you.

You probably don't even remember that day. But I still know it like it was yesterday.  
*****

Justin did too.  
How was he ever supposed to forget the day he first saw Alex Standall?  
The day he fell for the boy, probably as hard as Alex did.

A second thing he knows by heart is how that fucking letter is going to be continued, but he still reads it. Hoping to find something he missed before.  
That the words changed overnight.

They never do, of course. But Justin still searches for an explanation in a letter full of explanations.

Maybe the fact that he read it so often by now, stopping at this point every time to let his thoughts drip away, is the reason why he now still remembers every single detail of former named day.  
Or maybe, it was because of Alex. He wasn't able to forget anything that has to do with the blonde boy.

It was before first period on a Thursday, that Justin first noticed Alex, walking down the hallways of Liberty.

He could only see him from behind - walking next to Jessica Davis and Hannah Baker - but even though he never talked to him, or even saw him right all Justin could think was: wow

Everyone else would have looked stupid with such a bleached blonde hair and an old-man-cardigan, but not Alex.

However, Bryce, who was standing right next to Justin, had followed his look. But of course, he instantly thought he was either looking at Jess or Hannah.  
And he wouldn't be Bryce without making a dumb comment.

"So, Jus, who are we checking out today? Baker, Davis..." he then paused for a moment, smirking like a fucking idiot (which was definitely really near to the truth) before he added: "or whoever their faggot friend might be?"

And of course, he wouldn't be Bryce Walker, without calling anyone a fagot for no reason.

His next sentence then, probably wasn't Justin's smartest or proudest comment. 

"I don't think he's a fag"

Later, Justin knew he should've said something else.  
Something, to for once stand up against his best friend and defend a stranger.

The second time he saw Alex this Thursday was in his last class for the day.

History, by Mr. Taylor.

Whoever thought it would be a good idea to make that guy a teacher, probably never met him.

After only fives minutes of listening, Justin was already half asleep. His thoughts already by football.  
And the new blonde kid from before.  
not that he would ever admit that.

you could blame his drifted thoughts for the fact that the footballer first noticed the other boy when he started speaking.

That, definitely wasn't Mr. Taylors Voice. Then one thing was Cristal clear: Justin wouldn't get all bored listening to that voice. Fucking impossible.

"I am uhm Alex Standall. My family moved here a few days ago"

You smiled at me. And for a moment, a second, I felt like I was in some shitty romcom. Or a fanfiction.  
Seriously, if someone had started randomly singing and dancing with everyone joining - I wouldn't even been surprised.

Our eyes met, just for two seconds (then I looked away. I already felt uncomfortable standing there, but being the centre or your attention made me blush like hell)

I exactly remember my thoughts "maybe love in the first sight really exists" and "what kind of a last time is foley. sounds weird"

Then my day-dream-bubble Broke before I even started daydreaming.

It wasn't love. not for you.

And yes, what I am writing her sounds like a fucking love letter, even though it's not supposed to be one.

Sure, I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I also - and mainly- wanted to say goodbye.

A few hours ago, I told you to leave me alone and you did.  
That was the right thing to do.

I don't write that to make you feel guilty. I am writing that because I wanted you to know how much I loved you and that loving you was that one thing that kept me alive until now.  
that you were the one thing that kept me alive.

When you came over, you tried to tell me something. I never let you finished talking.   
This is my apologize for that.  
it probably was a good thing, since you seemed very excited about it. I hope it was.  
you should be happy, jus.

maybe you wanted to tell me that you and Jess got back together (congratulations then).  
maybe you found new home. you deserve it.

or maybe you just wanted to end our whatever it was, because you finally understood that you don't need me.

I will never know.  
because this is the end.

I love you Justin Foley.

-Alex

it was the fifth time that Justin was reading that. five times in the last two weeks.  
so by now he knew every single word, but he still couldn't stop reading.

Justin knew it was his fault.  
No matter what Alex wrote in his letter.  
it was his fault that Hannah had died and then he did the same thing to Alex.

The last time he saw him, he could've helped him. Stopped him.  
But instead he fucked it up, like he always does.

*******

It was already dark outside and cold air filled the room since a few minutes, trough the wide-open window.

To be exact since Alex opened his window to let Justin in, which was definitely a mistake and completely not how he had planned things to go. But he also couldn’t say ‘no’ when he heard the knock on his window.

So now the only way to make his plan work was to get rid of the athlete.

As much as it hurted himself.

“you are drunk”

It was a short and simple statement and his voice sounded -hopefully- completely confident in what he was saying.

Alex wasn’t sure, but he tried to convince himself that Justin was in fact either drunk or high.

He needed to believe he was, so he had a reason to send him away. Pretend to be mad or annoyed or anything else.

Maybe mad, that Justin just came her because he was drunk? Sounded like a good reason.

Even though the only reason was that Alex needed to be alone to do what he was going to do.

To do the right thing for once.

“I am not drunk Lex”

Lex

Only Justin ever called him that. And Alex hated how much that meant to him.

“You are always drunk when you are here. You don’t come because you care about me or want to be here, you just come because its your last option to spend the night”

“Alex I-“

“no don’t. I know it’s like that.

You get drunk while searching somewhere to stay and when you don’t find anyone else you climb trough my window, because I can’t say no, even if I tried. 

You tell me I mean something to you and that that is the only reason you are here, so you can stay. You can eat here and sleep and for god’s sake you even get someone to fuck with and that isn’t even the problem.

The problem is that I know all of that, but I am still not the one to stop it. But I…I can’t do that today. So please leave me alone. Just fucking leave, me alone like you always do. One more time leaving me won’t hurt you. I don’t want to see you right now!”

He started screaming to the end of his monologue. If he hadn’t Alex had started to cry and that was definitely not happening.

Pretending to be mad at Justin was easier. If he would cry now he wouldn’t do it today, because If he did Justin probably wouldn’t leave.

And it had to be today.

Justin left and Alex really couldn’t blame him. Not after he told him to and not since it was exactly what he wanted him to do.

As soon as he was sure that Justin wouldn’t come back he started writing.

He wrote a note for his door, so his parents won’t come in when they came home.

Then Alex started write his first letter.

For his parents, friends, whoever might read it.

And after that the one for Justin and for him only.

It was harder than anything else. Saying goodbye to Justin meant doing it. Meant it was really the end of everything.

The two letters were placed under his pillow, before he headed to his parent’s bedroom. 

It wasn’t hard to guess the combination of the safe where Bill Standall had his gun (1523, the birthdays of Peter and him) and take his father’s gun out of it.

Alex brough it to his room, locked his door and went to his bathroom.

Standing in front of his mirror and pressing the metallic gun to his temple.

All of it was surprisingly easy.

One last look at himself before he finally pulled the trigger.

********

It has been two weeks since then and today was the first time that people other then Alex Family were allowed to visit him.

Not that they could talk to him since he was still in coma, but at least they were able to see him.

First Jess, then Clay and Tony, after them Tyler came and later Zach.

Even Ryan and Courtney were there.

Now, at the end of the day, Justin was the last person to visit. To be alone with Alex.

Maybe he shouldn’t be reading that letter again. Not while sitting next to Alex.

Not while he knew the boy would live. 

But seeing the person he loved laying there – looking so small and lost. With all these machines around him, peeping. Keeping Alex alive, just made him do it.

He needed to know why Alex did it. Why he never talked to him.

Did he really thought he wouldn’t love him?

Ever since Alex suicide attempt that was one and also the most permanent question that kept Justin awake every night. 

He should have told him. Not just in the night, when he planned to. But especially then.

“hey Lex” Justin now started talking, once he finished reading again. 

It felt weird to talk to him, when he knew Alex couldn’t hear him, but that was now necessary.

“I love you”


End file.
